Oh , Pmr.

1997's , So as you know. Pmr is just around the corner. But since I'm on the computer today. I decided to blog. I haven't' been doing so in such a long time. And thats not the only thing I haven't been doing lately. I can't even remember when was the last time I actually talked to god._. Probably when I was praying for a friend's friend. She was sick , yeah. Probably. 

And since I've abandoned this blog I doubt anyone reads it. So here goes nothing.

 Dear God,

what I’m afraid more than ever, is to fail. I’m afraid of trying my best and not succeeding. I’m afraid of putting my all into something I worked so hard to learn and to gain, and then feeling overwhelmed by disappointment in the end. what I’m afraid of most is not being able to make it. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid that even though I may try my best, It won’t be good enough.

what I’m afraid of more than ever, is not being successful. I’m afraid of being behind. I’m afraid of not being able to make you, my family, or my close friends proud.

I’m afraid I might just not be ready for reality yet. maybe I’m not ready. I’m scared because I don’t know what lays ahead of me. It’s like my heart pounding straight through my chest. my stomach dropping to the pit of my guts. adrenaline rushing through the blood flesh of my veins. Lord I can not do this alone. Please guide me through this rough time. Amen. 

Holidays :)

Um , hey :) So , school wasn't that bad today. The teachers looked happy , and everyone else seemed to have a great time too. Hahaha. Friday is always the best day of the week , eh? Anyways I'm done with exams. Mid terms , at least. Marks are mehhh , not so satisfying. And I'm doing okay now , not great , not amazing , just okay. I also have two weeks off now. A break from school. But I haven't found a proper way to spend it. Hopefully it's not just sleeping late & waking up later all holiday. Cause I'd just be regretting after it's over. So you guys out there! Spend it wisely (?) :P It's precious ;) Will blog soon , since I have something in mind to talk about. Bye for now. Toodles~

Pointless rant.

I hate how whenever I go out for dinner or just to visit anyone from my dad's side of the family. My mum always goes home crying. Sometimes if it's really bad , it can even bother her for an entire week. Either it's my grandmother causing drama. My aunts and uncles. god parents , whatever. Every one of them makes everyone of us feel bad. So much for family. No matter what. Having the same blood , surnames or whatever we have in common will never make me call you guys family. Let's say someone points a fkin knife at my face and asked me to , I still wouldn't. I'm not asking for much. Just leave us alone alone. You should really give my mum a break. She's doing the best she can. I'm thankful we're still under a roof . She's paying for so much , on her own. Without anybody's help. She's even helping her own family. And some of my cousins school fees. When I hear things like you guys yelling at her , treating her like trash or talking in a different language behind her back or right in front of her face , it just really makes me wanna throw something at you or hit you so damn hard your skull breaks. But of course , I just can't-.- Are you guys freaking brainless or what. She don't understand but I can right? Have a heart. I get it , you guys have everything. So why would you still wanna make us suffer? It's not of your business. Just take care of your own family. Don't have to boast on how smart and successful your children are. How helpful they can be. Which brings me back to my point of this post. Being not good enough. Being not good enough always sucks. And I do mean always. Whether it's looks or brains. Or maybe even both. I have none. Not even talent. I've got nothing. And let's just be honest right now , I'll end up horribly in the future. I might not even make it in college. I always think it's too late to start working hard now even if my friends say it's not. You see , I think about the future a lot. More than anyone else my age should. But when you come from a broken family. Or at least a problematic one (?) if thats a word. You tend to. It just happens. And having a older brother like mine , how can you not worry? And having a 7 year old brother that doesn't get to enjoy his childhood. Ugh , I pity justyne. having to grow up like this even if he gets on my nerves sometimes. and it hurts to say that. I don't think I can take care of my family in the future. I mean I can try but sigh , I just don't know.

They're gone.

Well I guess I'm back to blog again. Failed to blog often. So I'll just do it once in a while. Bet I lost all my readers._. So anyways , a lot has happened while I was gone. Within just 3 months. I lost some friends. It's like the ones I need most are the ones that leaves. Why? I gained a few new one though and even'reunited' w some of my old ones. And what about my relationship? I guess you could say it's okay. We have our ups and downs. Mostly downs for now. This is weird because I'm blogging about us here and god knows who could be reading this. Sometimes , I just wish that I could be better at all these you know. Be a better sister , daughter , friend , best friend , girlfriend. To my dearest boyf , I'm not even sure if you trust me rn. I keep things to myself. And no matter how hard you try to hide it , I know it bothers you. It's hard opening up , it is. Because not every one cares. They're just well , curious. But it gets better. At least that's what they all say and I hope so:) I can't afford to lose anybody else right now and I've got way too much things to worry and think about , because midterms are just around the corner. Look I know it's been 5 months + ?. Don’t get angry and lose patience when I don’t tell you what’s wrong with me. if I don’t want to say it, don’t force me to. Rather, reassure me that you are always there to listen and support me in every way possible. allow me to trust you with my issues. prove to me that you’re worthy of my trust towards you. if I do tell you, and the problem is about something you did, you do everything out of your will to understand my perspective because I was upset for a reason. if I don’t tell you and it’s not about what you did or said, and it’s more of a general problem, cheer me up, get my mind off the stress , and when I'm ready, I will open up to you. have patience and wisdom. Don't rush me okay? The picture above says it all. 

...

*Sigh. I've abandoned my blog AGAIN. And I'm sorry and stuff. Back to t point of this post. So , I just came back from pav not long ago. And the highlight of the day is about 2 of the most important people in my lives. Leeann & Eugene. Here goes , I dislike the fact that my best friend & my boyfriend can't get along. It's not like they don't like each other or what not. But its like , when all of us are in the same place. One of them would be left out. And that feeling totally fudging sucks when you're the middle person , get what I mean? I'd be feeling as if I'm letting it happen. When I talk to her , he'll be left alone. When I paktor w him , she'll be alone. And when she's alone. She'll probably be thinking , damn she chooses him over her best friend. Vice versa. No , okay? I love the both of you, and every time we go out , I vow to make sure it doesn't happen again & again but guess what? It does. So basically the only way to avoid this is , not going out w the both of you on the same day . When I hangout w leeann , its just gonna be girl time. & the same goes to him , when I'm w him . End of. We should've been friends longer before dating , that way , none of this would happen cause she'll be comfortable around him.

Something has been on my mind for way too damn long. I don’t know if I’m ready to say anything. I just feel like it needs to happen soon because now I’m losing sleep over it. I’m just so afraid of bringing it up, but then I know that’s the only way I could ever stop thinking about it. My mind is so curious and I honestly wish I didn’t feel the need to know about such things, but it’s killing me just not knowing. My imagination ends up taking me to places I really don’t want to be. But then again. So could the truth. Although, I’d rather it be that than what my mind can conjure up.

Back to school :)

Ohey my dear readers:) Guess who's back? MEEEEE :D Hahaha , did y'all miss me? I'm sure you do;) Okay who am I kidding. Anyways , after abandon-ing my blog for almost a month now. I decided to come back and blog since I got stuff to let you guys know:) And also because darien has been forcing me to blog again. This one is for you bro. LOL. It's already freaking january 9 bitchez. It felt like just yesterday when we're on our year end holidays. Damn I regret not spending them properly. Oh well , there's always this year :) Unless we die......... Don't mind me I'm getting paranoid from all those 2012 crap. Since lately there's been an earthquake in japan I think at exactly on new years. Creepy eh? Enough of that. I'd like to share about how's life as a form 3 student in smk taman sea :3 The first day of school we all went back to our original classes aka 2011's classes. And it sure as hell is good to be back. I miss my tards. It was supposed to go the same for the next day but somethings changed and we separated and went to our new classes. Got voted for assistant class monitor , alot of responsibility but not as much as ethan has. So far , so good. I've seen some changes in me. And hopefully I'll stay this way till I graduate or smth. I haven't really studied alot yet but i'm starting to pay attention in class and been trying to do my own homework instead of copying , some of you might have noticed. I like the change in me. Looking back at my old grades give me more motivation to study. Haha I must do this. 3 A's at least. Gotta have confidence! Shall end this because i have no idea where is it going. Will blog again asap! :) X